A List of Things I've Felt Like in the Last Month

Over the last month, I've been sick thrice -- with a cold, flu, and now pneumonia. It's been a pretty unproductive and bedridden month for me, however, I realize there are worse things in this world, and I'm going to be just fine soon enough. No big deal.

Still, I won't lie: it's sucked. And because I am a human being who yearns to be understood, I created this list of things I have felt like in the last month to help illustrate how ineffective this whole process has made me feel. Enjoy!

Things I've felt like in the last month:

  • A trash fire.
  • A lifeless pile of mush.
  • That one subway car that's empty during rush hour for smell-related reasons.
  • An olympic runner at the beginning of a race, all prepped and ready to go, but when the starter gun goes off, she just sits down, pulls out a laptop, and watches House Hunters on the track for a month straight.
  • The Creature From The Black Lagoon at a baby shower.
  • Licorice.
  • A snorkeler who gets a surprise splash of water in her snorkel and then just wants to get back in the boat. 
  • A penny. (i.e. useless)
  • Snow Dogs 2. (i.e. not great)
  • The boy who cried "wolf!" and then cried "flu! and then cried "pneumonia." And then just cried.
  • A bedbug.
  • A bagpipe full of cottage cheese. 
  • A bra that has lost all elasticity and can't be of any support. 
  • A to-go box full of pad thai that gets left at the restaurant.
  • A genie in a bottle whose heart is saying "let's go" but whose body is saying "no."
  • This:
  • This:
  • The opposite of this:
  • As unwanted as this pizza:
  • As fun to be around as this:
  • Each day as eventful as this:
  • This, too:
  • Basically, this:

Okay bai!