How to Reparent Your Inner Child By Improving Your Self-Talk

Trauma

Oct 29

You might think this is cheesy, (I know because I used to think thing kind of thing was cheesy too), but I want to remind you that you really do have an inner child and it is in your best interest to take good care of them.

As a therapist and parent, I think about the intersection of childhood and emotional wellbeing a lot. It’s something I consider with my kid, in my own healing work, and of course, with my clients. At this point, it’s well-established that we internalize childhood experiences that last into adulthood, for better or for worse. In attachment research this concept of internalization is called an internal working model.

Maybe the formality of “internal working model” sounds better to you, and that’s totally fine, but I still really like the idea of an inner child. I like it because that phrase is a reminder that in tough moments we are often dealing with our most vulnerable parts.

And we don’t just have an inner child; As part of our working models, we also have an inner parent self in the mix too.

So just to ground all of this in an example: I have many experiences as a therapist with folks who struggle with motivation. There’s something they need to do/want to do, and they’re just not doing it. And not only are they struggling to get motivated, but they are really hard on themselves. (Like mean.)

And that mean voice: they got that from somewhere. If you have a similarly unhelpful voice inside of you, it might be useful to ask yourself:

How did your caregivers respond to you when you weren’t feeling motivated?

The example I like to use is when you didn’t want to go to school. (That happens to pretty much every kid at one point or another)

A few common unhelpful responses parents might have:

Well, we go to school. So unless you have a fever of 110, sorry, you’re going to school.
Oh…um…okay. I guess…stay home then?
If you go to school, I’ll get you ice cream later.
If you don’t go to school, then you can’t go to your friend’s house this weekend.

Also common: criticism, ignoring, expressing annoyance, etc.

And let’s be so very clear: your parents were likely doing their best. They were probably using their own internal working models from childhood. We’re talking about impact, not intention.

But whatever the case, my guess is that however they responded to you is how you talk to yourself now.

And it’s a problem because the research bears out time and time again that self-criticism doesn’t work. Avoidance doesn’t work either though. We have to hold ourselves to standards.

So what do you do?

My suggestion is to take a look at the really good parents you know. And if you don’t know any, I can share that the really good parents I know tend to handle these moments with a lot of curiosity.

#1 - Use Curiosity

Curiosity immediately takes you out of a judgmental mindset. For kids, having a sense that their parents are curious about them allows them to feel safe and seen. For adults, curiosity about ourselves has the same effect.

What an attuned parent might say: “Oh, you don’t want to go to school? Can you tell me more, bud?”
What you can say to yourself now: “I’m really struggling. I wonder what’s making this so hard for me?” or “There must be a good reason why I feel…” 

#2 - Validate Your Experience

You may or may not know why you’re struggling so much. That’s okay! Regardless, validation is important for settling your nervous system.

What an attuned parent might say: “Oh, you don’t to go to school because you’re going to miss your mommy and daddy. That makes sense!” or “I wonder if it’s because… Is that right?”
What you can say to yourself now: “Oh, so that’s why I’m struggling with this” OR “It’s okay to have a hard time.”  

#3 - Creatively Problem-Solve

Combining curiosity and validation can have a calming effect that lets you approach your situation creatively.

What an attuned parent might say: “I know it’s hard. Let’s figure this out together. I wonder if it would help if…”
 What you can say to yourself: “Even though this feels awful, I can do this. Maybe if I [insert creative option], I might have an easier time dealing with this.”

By talking to yourself this way, maybe you develop some new ideas for how to deal with life’s challenges. And even if not, at least you don’t have a mean voice inside your head telling you that you’re the worst when you’re struggling. Your inner child deserves better. Give it a try and let me know how it goes!